Episode One of 'Crookback and Plunkett and the Damsel in Distress is here!

So, here is episode one of the first story. You can listen to and DOWNLOAD the episode on SoundCloud by clicking THIS LINK, or read the episode below! Enjoy and keep checking back or subscribe for the rest of the story. The whole story will appear on the Jottify store soon, for only 49p. Thanks!

Crookback and Plunkett and the Damsel in Distress, Episode One

In a lonely valley somewhere very far away, two castles stood on opposite sides of a small river, over which stretched a rickety wooden bridge. One of the castles was very tall and thin, with crooked, grey stone turrets and a dried up moat. The other was rather low and round, with a huge mahogany door and a portcullis. Outside the first castle stood a thin, off- white horse, quietly grazing on the grass. Outside the second castle, a chubby, young brown pony trotted towards its feeding trough. These castles were the homes of Montmerency Crookback and Percival Plunkett, two knights who had an ongoing feud over the ownership of the bridge which separated their land, as well as disagreeing over most other things that you can imagine, usually just for the sake of it.

Montmerency was very tall and thin, just like his castle. He had unkempt grey hair, a long bony nose and big sideburns. He liked to think of himself as very noble and had developed a particular way of walking which, he believed, reflected this. His trousers were always too short for him due to the remarkable length of his legs and he often sported a top hat. Percival also matched his castle, because he was very short and fat, with rosy cheeks and a brown moustache. He didn’t have any hair, apart from a little bit around the sides and back of his head. His large bald patch was usually shiny and turned red when he got irate, which was a fairly regular occurrence. He was a pompous fellow who took pride in his appearance, wearing all the latest fashions, albeit in a rather large size.

One summer’s day, Montmerency was sitting outside his castle on a very old, striped deckchair, reading the local newspaper, ‘The Knightly Record’. His eye was immediately drawn to an interesting looking article on page two, which was a story about a local Princess called Marigold. She had been captured by the most ferocious dragon in the whole world, Flamaban. His penchant for breathing fire and flapping his mighty wings at anyone who came near his cave was well known. He had a huge cave where he kept hundreds of gold pieces and many rare treasures, or so everyone had heard, although no- one seemed to have seen his riches with their own eyes.

Montmerency saw at once that he had a chance to become the bravest knight in all the kingdom and perhaps even win the love of the beautiful Marigold. Her beauty, wit and charm were known throughout the land and Montmerency knew that he could not woo her with his looks alone. No, only an act of bravery would be enough to impress her. He set about making preparations for the heroic rescue at once.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the river, across the rickety bridge, Percival Plunkett was practising his sword fighting. ‘Have at you!’ he cried, as he stabbed the end of his sword into a sack stuffed with feathers. ‘Die, you coward!’ he exclaimed. He had made the sack very tall and thin and had painted a face on it. He liked to think it looked rather like Montmerency. As he was taking a well needed break from his exertions, he happened to glance out of the window and saw, to his surprise, Montmerency, wearing full armour, attempting rather unsuccessfully to climb onto his horse. He hurried to the front door immediately. ‘I say, old chap!’ he called, trying to sound nonchalant. ‘You off somewhere interesting?’

‘What?’ replied Montmerency, as he raised his right leg up to the horse’s stirrup for the third time.

‘Well,’ continued Percival, ‘I happened to notice you were wearing your armour. Anything I can help with?’

‘You can help me get up on this blasted horse if you like!’ replied Montmerency, in an irritable tone.

Percival made his way quite slowly over the bridge dividing the two knights’ land. His lack of urgency enraged Montmerency all the more. ‘Come on then!’ he exclaimed. ‘I haven’t got all day! There’s a beautiful princess to be rescued!’

‘A what?’ said Percival.

‘Oh, nothing, my dear fellow! Be a good chap and give me a leg up then.’

‘Hang on there, Monty,’ continued Percival, ‘I’m sure you just mentioned a princess who needs rescuing. You wouldn’t be trying to hide anything like that from me, now would you? Surely, as a fellow knight, I deserve a fair chance to prove my worth and rescue a damsel in distress?’

‘Just help me up and I’ll tell you everything!’ said Montmerency, who hated being called ‘Monty’, especially by Percival.

Percival grudgingly got down on one knee and made a platform with his hands. Montmerency put his armour- clad foot into Percival’s upturned palm and raised his other leg toward the stirrup. Unfortunately, at this moment, with Montmerency’s weight pressing down on his knee, Percival crumpled into a quivering heap on the grass at the horse’s feet. Montmerency came crashing down on top of him.

‘You imbecile!’ cried Montmerency. ‘I should have known not to ask for your help, you clumsy oaf! Goodbye!’

With that, Montmerency climbed over Percival’s body, placed his left foot on top of his rivals’ shiny head and, using it as a stepping stone, dragged himself into the saddle. Without another word, he rode off at top speed.

Percival got up slowly, watching Montmerency and his bony steed galloping away into the distance, surrounded by a cloud of angry dust. As horse and rider disappeared over the horizon, he knew there was only one thing for it.  He simply had to get to the Princess before the other noble knight.